How to become an instant DBA

"Cheat ! liar ! dumb head !" John was yelling at such high decibels into the telephone, that I had to hold the receiver one foot away from my ear. He had just returned to USA after setting up his team in India.

When John paused for breath, I enquired : "Who is it this time ?"
"Chatterjee - the DBA. Actually, I should say, the non-DBA"
Chatterjee was the high profile Database Administrator we had recently hired. John had specially imported him from Kolkatta at an exorbitant salary tag, brushing aside my objections.

"Now, what is wrong with this DBA ?"
"Nothing. Except that he is not a DBA at all. I asked him if we need to re index the database, he asks me what an index is"
I groaned. "Sounds like another case of fake CV"

I quickly browsed through the CVs on my computer, and located the file named 'Partho_M_Chatterjee_Kolkatta_Age_31_OracleDBA_B.E._with_9.2_Years_Experience.doc'.

After a quick glance, I said "Hmm... This is a standard profile from JobHunters.com"
"What do you mean, standard profile ?" John wanted to know.
"Generic templates like this are circulating throughout the web. This guy has just downloaded it, put his name on top, and renamed the file"
"So the CV is a complete fake ?"
"Yes"
"But I interviewed him for one full hour ! How can he fake it ? He sounded quite knowledgeable"

"John, did you ever talk to him in person ?"
"No, it was a telephonic interview"
"Then you never spoke to Chatterjee. You interviewed his friend, room mate, or even a propro"
"Propro ?"
"Professional proxie. They are experienced IT professionals, whose only hobby is to give telephonic interviews on somebody's behalf"
"Does this abominable species actually exist ?"
"I am told some of them can even imitate a female voice"

"Disgusting"
"You should have called him for a personal interview before offering him the job. That sanity check is part of the survival game here"
"I did invite him to meet me in Chennai. He said he is too busy to travel, and he would make up his mind only after receiving our job offer. So I went ahead"

"OK, we are where we are. What are you going to do now ?"
"Fire that guy. Now. This instant !"
"No, John, no, John. Not that fast. Let me study the situation"
"What is there to study ? This is a clear open and shut case. Professional dishonesty"
"But that is not the way it is viewed here. Fudging resumes is so rampant, that nobody thinks of it as a crime any more. It is just like downloading pirated MP3 music"
The other end was silent. John must be shaking his head in disbelief.

I reasoned with him again : "We know politicians always tell lies, but have you seen any of them getting punished for it ? Every unethical activity has a critical mass, beyond which it ceases to be unethical"
"But still we must get rid of him. Do it fast !"
"John, if you have to be careful in hiring, you need to be ten times as careful in firing any one. Give me 24 hours, and I promise I will get back to you with a clearer picture".

I spent the rest of the day researching Chatterjee's background, talking to his teammates and finally confronting him head-on.

* * *

The next morning when my telephone rang at 5 AM, I knew it was John.
"Nam, Did you talk to the rascal ?"
"Yes. This indeed appears to be a case of fake credentials."
"I know it damn well. What does he say in defense ?"
"Chatterjee is basically a VB programmer. He has used MS Access on one of his projects, so he feels that he is qualified for the DBA job. After all, both of them are databases. And he assured me he is a very fast learner"
"Good extrapolation. But the trouble is, our database is fast approaching one Tera byte" John said bitterly.

"You should be more careful in selecting candidates, John"
"I know, I know. But first, I am going to fire him"
"Unfortunately, there is a problem with it"
"What problem ?"
"Banerjee will not like the idea".

Banerjee was the head of our LAN team. His work-days frequently extended twenty hours or more. He was the one who literally kept this whole place up and running.

"If I fire Chatterjee, why the hell should Banerjee object ?"
"Chatterjee's mother and Banerjee's uncle are second cousins".
Besides, both were from the same state, and spoke the same language. Anything you did to one of the 'jee's will have a profound echo on the other.

"In that case, I will have to fire Banerjee, too"
"Unfortunately, there is a problem with it". I paused for effect.
"Speak !" John was audibly irritated.
"Banerjee is the captain of our cricket team"
"You have a cricket team ?"
"Informal team. They play with Infosys and TCS teams during week ends"
"So..?"
"If we fire Banerjee, all the eleven members of the LAN team will resign in protest. They are all members of the cricket team too"

"This is incredible. Can't they keep professional and personal lives separate ?"
"Certainly not. John, you need to know this before you can do business in India : We Indians live in communities."
"We all live in communities."
"Not the way we do. We always identify ourselves with our caste, language, region and religion. We do not have individual identities. We need membership"
"To give you an identity, you should at least belong to a cricket team ?"

"You got the point. We live like colonies of plankton; we form close-knit, symbiotic groups. The groups are always at each other's throats, but will close ranks at a moment's notice against common enemies"
"In this case, I am that enemy, right ?"
"Sorry to agree with you, but if you threaten one of the community members, the rest of them will view it as alien aggression against one of our-own-boys"
"Depressing revelation. Thanks."

"But see the positive side of it. If you can create in their minds a strong identity with your organization, you can easily groom it into a community; a rallying point. The loyalty you thus command will be more binding, and more lasting, than you can buy with any other incentives. In times of trouble, your staff will stand by you like solid rock."

"I will think over it tomorrow. But what do we do with Chatterjee ?"
"I have already negotiated a deal with him. He has agreed to quit gracefully by next month"
"Where will he go ?"
"He has got a better job offer in US. He is going to join them as an Informix DBA"